All or nothing & book recommendations

I haven't been writing as much as I'd like. In fact, I feel like I haven't been doing any of my favorite things as much as I'd like. I am a "let's plan our goals for the year" type of person, and for this year writing was one of the big ones for me. At the same time, I am practicing giving myself grace for taking breaks and not keeping everything "perfect" all the time (as if that was even a real thing). Even as I wrote just now, "I haven't been writing", I was trying to find a reason to blame my lack of writing, because it is extremely hard for me to admit I am not writing simply because my focus has pulled me elsewhere. What do you mean I can't be keep a perfect score in all of my hobbies? All or nothing.

Earlier this summer I injured my left wrist. I felt like I was at my "peak" working out routine, where it felt so natural and motivation was an ongoing feeling. Unfortunately, like many other injuries, this one needs mainly one thing to get better: rest. I am kicking myself for the past month for not being able to work out. I go on lots of walks, but that doesn't count in my head. The lack of working out killed my motivation for basically everything else in my life. Mid-August, when I posted for the last here, I had just found out I needed total rest for my wrist. And that was it for me - if I can't do one thing, I can't do anything. All or nothing. 

Recently I told my partner I hadn't been reading as much as I wanted to. He looked at me like I was insane. If you know me, you know I read a lot. And somehow I convinced myself I wasn't doing enough in that area too. If you look at my Goodreads, you will see this idea is bullshit, but for a hot second I truly believed I was reading too little. All or nothing. 

I take pride in saying I have a very good work-life balance in my professional life. Yet, it became so easy to say I was lacking in other areas of my life - specially in my creative hobbies - and blame it on work. Or relationships. Or even my puppy. The truth? I am not writing for lack of motivation. My wrist is going to get better eventually. I am still reading way more than the average person (extremely sad to see what the "average" is). And I am using my creativity in my other hobbies, like painting. All is well. 

I am hyperaware of how the current productivity standards and high level of information is affecting everyone's brains. Yet, I need to admit I am affected by it. I used to think that by understanding these concepts, I would be immune. I wrote an entire posts about how listening to audiobooks on high speed or speed reading is not useful, yet, I spent a weekend alone recently - my husband went on a trip and all my friends seemed to be out of town too - and found myself listening to audiobooks or podcasts for the entire first day I was alone. I had my headphones on the entire time I was awake on those first 24 hours. The idea of sitting with my own thoughts was that hard for me. I am controversial. Who isn't? Life is not a straight line, and knowing more doesn't mean you are perfect (or immune). 

My wrist is healing; my walks are delicious; I am painting a lot more and that is taking over my writing time; I am still obsessed with some new podcasts but hyperaware of how much time I spend with my thoughts alone every day; I am writing enough and every step matters. All is well. I've been, in fact, reading a ton recently and here are some new recommendations: 

1. I Who Have Never Known Men by Jacqueline Harpman
2. What You Are Looking For Is in the Library by Michiko Aoyama
3. Are You Mad at Me? Meg Josephson